Perfect Me

Perfect Me
One of my reminders to myself.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

How can you help a survivor?

I hear it often enough, people saying that someone doesn't understand what they are going through or why they feel the way they do. As a survivor of a traumatic experience it is difficult to explain to someone else why they haven't reached a point where everything is perfect. The constant questions and uncertainty can make it hard for any survivor to feel supported.

If you have a loved one that suffers after they were victimized there are a few things that you can do for them.

One, understand that there is no easy answer for them.

No matter how much trauma they experienced, no matter whether they were physically, sexually, mentally or emotionally victimized they are still faced with remembering that they had at least a moment where everything they believed was skewed. Where their feeling of safety, contentment and belief in another person was taken away from them. No matter how big or small this loss was for them, it was still a loss that can have a long term effect. It will never be forgotten, but with the right support and understanding they can heal.

If they have to see the person that took this safety from them when they are not mentally able to handle this, it can continue to cause them to slide back. They can't just shut it off and say, "Today I won't feel panic." It is never that simple. For someone in this position that feeling of panic can come even with the idea that they might have to see this person. If the violation of their trust happened a month ago, two years or ten years ago, it can still be there and feel like it just happened moments ago.

If the person was a member of the family by blood or marriage, this can also have an effect. The survivor may not wish to speak up to everyone and cause problems in the family. Yet, having to see this person will feel like a fresh stab at their safety. I knew someone once who lived with her cousin and one day while the cousin was at work her husband decided it was alright to touch her inappropriately. Not wishing to make waves or cause problems she never told her fiance or her cousin about what happened but as soon as she could, she got herself and her fiance out of the home and tried to never be alone with him again.

Over ten years later she still remembered how he had violated her trust and while she managed to stop it from going too far, she still felt just as violated as someone who was raped. So, the moral here, don't push your loved one into being around that person if they aren't ready.

Two, listen without judgement.

This is a big one, whether you have or have not been victimized yourself in the past, if you show judgement or a lack of willingness to listen it will only cause your loved one more pain. One of the most difficult things about being a survivor is fearing that others will judge you. If you are a survivor as well, you know how hard it is, don't make it harder for them. If what they went through doesn't seem as severe as your situation, don't treat it like it is less important. The thing to realize is that everyone needs to know they have a right to feel how they feel no matter the severity. The truth is, they were violated.

Let their feelings have validation, if you love them and refuse to acknowledge how they feel, you risk losing them.

Three, offer them comfort.

You may be thinking, "I already do that." But how often and in what ways? Are you hugging them when they don't want to be touched? Are you simply saying, "It's okay, you're safe," or something similar?

Someone that is surviving and feeling a panic attack come on doesn't need you to keep reaffirming that they aren't still being victimized. They need you to take their hand or hug them IF they are comfortable with an embrace. They need you to ask if they want to talk or if they need a moment. Sometimes, they need a distraction or a reminder of when they were safe. Help them by asking about a moment they were happiest, or a place that gave them peace.

Four, become a part of their support but also find support for yourself.

If it's killing you not being able to help them heal faster or believing that they should be okay by now, imagine how they are feeling. They don't feel complete, a part of them is missing and they need you to help them find that again but if you are not feeling capable of helping them, you may need to locate local resources to help you as a family or friend of someone that is trying to be a survivor. Many areas have a support group or counselor that specializes in this sort of area.

Don't force them to become religious if that's not where they head. Don't force your religion on them at all. You can tell them you will pray for them or send them healing energy, but be mindful that each person has their own beliefs. However, that isn't to say you can't fall back on your need for support from whatever religion you follow. You need to seek support also if you feel a need.

For parents of former victims it can be hard to know that something happened to your child without you knowing or being able to stop it from happening. You have to know that you shouldn't blame yourself. Just as they have to know it wasn't their fault.

Five, find good sources of material for yourself or them.

I could probably search for several books online or find organizations but each person will find something that works better for you. However, I do have one book recommendation based on knowing it has helped me with my healing. While I am not perfect, I am better for having read this book.

The Courage To Heal by Laura Davis & Ellen Bass

While the above mentioned book is centered around women who survived child sexual abuse, I have found that it is a good source for anyone on their healing journey from abuse.

In closing, I hope that this can help someone to be a support for your loved one. It is not easy to ride the healing train on your own, to walk the path toward freedom from fear and panic without someone there to help.